Throw Your Cameras In The Air (And Wave Them Like You Just Don't Care)
by Ashimattack
Summary: "Why are you still here?" "It's okay Jack, I just lost my keys. I'll be gone soon. Also, why is Eye Candy wearing tea towels on his hands? Shouldn't he have, I Don't know, bandages or something?" "The bandages are underneath the tea towels- oops I mean, "healing mittens", they're just extra protection for his hands," Jack explained brightly. Just crack. With John Hart and Janto.


**Written at 2:11am with the ever amazing Cat and NCIS Obsessed after the end of the world and a line from the episode "Fragments" when Jack mentions wounds from shaving. Yeah. Seriously.**

**Pure crack and a love of John Hart.**

**twtwtwtwtw**

Ianto cursed as he once again dropped his for. It fell to his plate with a "clang" and he sighed at his now mush-covered cutlery. He glared at the supposed "healing mittens" that encased his hands and once again cursed his entire existence.

_Three days earlier to that point in time._

Ianto had hummed as he waited for the coffee machine to work its magic. He could hear the shower running and although it was unusual for the immortal to be up at this time he was glad to know that Jack wouldn't be far away. He continued to happily make coffee when he felt warm arms wrap around his waist, he leaned back into Jack's touch before jumping as he realized the shower had only _just _stopped running and that this could not possibly be Jack. Unless there were two Jacks. Ianto allowed himself to ponder this for a moment before turning around to face Jack (with a slight blush) as the bathroom door opened and John Hart walked in wearing only a towel. On his head.

Ianto blushed harder, "What is _he_ doing here?!"

Jack turned around and sighed at his former partner, "not that I don't appreciate the view or anything but you ought to put something on."

"That's not what you said last night." John replied with a wink and Ianto gaped.

"He stayed the night?" He asked, feeling somewhat betrayed.

Jack glared at John, "Yes but nothing happened!"

"The brute made me sleep on the couch" John pouted.

"Why are you here?" Ianto said very slowly, keeping his temper in check. John brushed him off.

"Just here to give you guys a case, honestly I'll be gone by tomorrow!"

"We're going to find an Api today" Jack told Ianto earnestly, "and then John is leaving."

"What's an Api?" Ianto asked Jack, his question was answered by John.

"It's an alien from Apiclosterone made entirely of fire, you should see them. Absolutely _flaming_ if you know what I mean."

Ianto did not in fact know what he meant.

TWTWTWTW

"Boy is it getting hot in here!" shouted Jack with a wink to Ianto as he shot at the Api with his water gun.

Ianto rolled his eyes and soon discovered _exactly _what John meant as the Api shot a flaming balloon that narrowly missed his golden locks. He shook his head and had to remind himself that his hair was in fact brown.

John laughed from behind him and Ianto could've sworn he heard him mutter something about kitchen boys not being able to handle the heat. In his momentary distraction, Ianto failed to notice the beast closing in on Jack. It was inches away from him when Ianto's body snapped into action.

He ran straight onwards into the creature and grabbed it with his bare hands, with surprising strength, he threw it into the lake and smirked as he heard the _sizzle _of fire meeting water. He was so pumped up on adrenaline that he didn't even notice his hands until Jack grabbed them in horror.

"What the hell were you thinking?!" Jack shouted as he attempted to kiss the third degree burns on Ianto's hands better. Ianto made a face and pulled them out of his lover's grasp as he heard John's chuckling in the background.

_Back to present time_

John wandered into the hub centre where Ianto was attempting to eat his breakfast –once again clad only in a towel, thankfully it was around his waist this time- and sat down beside the annoyed Welshman with his full bowl of cheerios.

Ianto looked on jealously and sighed at his own bowl of porridge. Despite the lack of any damage to his mouth, throat or stomach, Jack had insisted that he stay away from solid foods for three weeks. Ianto's protests had been weak as Jack had genuinely looked worried as he attempted to take care of him.

Jack walked in a few minutes later and sighed as he glared at John.

"Why are you still here?" He demanded, John raised his arms in defense.

"It's okay Jack, I just lost my keys. I'll be gone soon. Also, why is Eye Candy wearing tea towels on his hands? Shouldn't he have, I Don't know, bandages or something?"

"The bandages are underneath the tea towels- oops I mean, "healing mittens", they're just extra protection for his hands," Jack explained brightly. "How is your breakfast Ianto?"

Ianto just glared at Jack's grin, before rolling his eyes.

He could feel John's smirk boring into the side of his head.

TWTWTW

Three days later and it appeared that no progress had been made in Ianto's recovery. He was absolutely starving and sick to death of John sitting in front of him in the damned towel as he ate steaks and wiggled his fingers provocatively.

Jack walked in and stared incredulously at John, "Did you even bring clothes? How do we own this many towels?"

John grinned in reply, "Well this one is yours. Yesterday I used Toshiko's."

"Well that explains why it was pink..." murmured Ianto thoughtfully, having been around to witness it.

"Yeah but I'm afraid this is the last one, might need to do some washing Eye Candy." remarked John dismissively. Ianto stared at his hands.

"I don't think I'm quite in the state to at the moment…"

"I'll do it!" shouted Jack enthusiastically. Ianto stared at him dubiously.

"Have you ever done washing before?"

Jack stared at him for a few moments.

"Ianto, I'm 3,405 years old. I have encountered a washing machine before."

"Yes but have you encountered _our_ washing machine?"

Jack sighed, he had him there.

TWTWTWTW

Days later John sat in front of Ianto and waved polaroids from their adventurous trip to the Laundromat (John had worn two towels for the occasion). Ianto attempted to swat the pictures away with his mitten-clad hands, failed dismally and was forced to look at Jack's smiling face as he gave a thumbs up to the camera whilst standing in front of a washing machine. The next picture showed the washing machine overflowing whilst Jack was screaming dramatically with Ianto in the background rolling his eyes.

It wasn't so impressive to relive it a fourth time.

His stomach growled –he hadn't eaten properly in a few days due to these damned mittens- as John pulled out a chocolate bar and began devouring it.

"Did you want some?" He asked as he held it out to Ianto, "Oh wait you can't!" he said gleefully as he yanked it back.

Ianto made no response as after the tenth time the joke had gotten pretty old.

"Shouldn't you be having a shower?" He asked with a sneer.

"Oh you're right!" Said John as he wandered off, still wearing a towel.

Ianto got up and decided to grab his laptop. He futilely smashed at the keys with his mittens before realizing how ridiculous he looked. He stopped and hoped that no one had seen him but the unmistakable sound of a polaroid camera snapping told him he'd been seen.

He sighed as Jack walked into the room and sat opposite him, shaking the picture in his hand.

"That's definitely one for the Christmas card!" he said with a grin. Ianto simply glared at him. Jack looked stunned.

"Hey are you okay?" he asked, worried.

Ianto sighed in exasperation, "Jack. I'm wearing bloody tea towels on my hands. I am physically incapable of doing anything while that lunatic flounces around here in a towel waving his hands all provocatively. I can't even shave off this blasted stubble because he is _always _in the bathroom. You won't let me eat solid food and I'm not even able to eat the food I am allowed to eat! How do you think I am doing?" Ianto hissed, Jack looked puzzled.

"How do you wave your hands around provocatively?" He wondered aloud.

"That's not the point!" Ianto hissed.

Jack was too focused on his own hands to realize Ianto had said anything. Ianto growled. Jack tore his eyes away from his wiggling fingers to settle on Ianto's furious expression. He smiled dopily.

"It's alright Yan, I'll kiss it better!"

"For the last time Jack, there is _nothing_ wrong with my mouth!" Jack wiggled an eyebrow and Ianto blushed, "Or… that… just. If you want to do me a favour and bring me some decent food!"

"I'll make you some porridge!" exclaimed Jack.

"No more porridge!" growled Ianto.

"Chicken soup?"

"No! What on earth is wrong with you?"

"It's the effect of the Api" called John as he walked out of the bathroom, grabbing one of Ianto's tea towels to dry himself off, "It causes some temporary brain damage. Completely harmless."

"How can brain damage be harmless?" Ianto gaped.

"Well, all it seems to have done to Jack is make him exceptionally caring of you. It also seems to have given you the temperament of a pregnant woman."

"WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!" shouted Ianto as he threw a shoe at John's retreating back.

"Look Ianto! I made you some cereal!" beamed Jack proudly over the bowl of cheerios he held.

"Jack... there's no milk in this…"

Jack looked sheepish, "yeah well, John may have drunk all the milk"

Ianto sighed and decided he was too tired to deal with this.

"Fine Jack, just, give me the food okay?" He said as he reached for the spoon. Jack snatched the Mickey Mouse spoon from his grasp and shook his head.

"Don't worry, I'll do it! Here comes the aeroplane!"

Ianto sighed, what was his life?

TWTWTWTW

Three weeks later Ianto was glad to finally remove the tea towels from his hands, they were quickly taken by John as he passed by on his way to the bathroom and Ianto found that he wasn't even mad. Perhaps it was the prospect of no longer being hand fed and coddled by Jack but Ianto was feeling good. He rubbed his jaw and felt the stubble that had accumulated –Jack had offered to shave it for him but Ianto didn't trust Jack around his face with a blade after having noted Jack's own shaving injuries, which were indeed worse than anything a weevil had ever done to him.

"You feeling better now Ianto?" Jack had, thankfully, returned to normal a couple of hours ago. Ianto wished it had've happened sooner but –at this point- was simply grateful it had happened at all.

"Yeah I'm feeling good! I'll be feeling better once I can finally shave, I feel off right now. Like, unprofessional. I've never been a fan of stubble." He admitted.

Jack smiled and grabbed him around the waist, he brought his lips to Ianto's ears and whispered, "I dunno, I've always found a little facial hair pretty sexy..."

Ianto blushed a bit and leant into Jack.

"Well, I suppose it _is_ growing on me…"


End file.
